So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
