Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
