i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
