what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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