Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
