Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
