I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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