Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
