I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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