apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
