I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
