hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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