i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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