She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
