I got chris browned last night
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
