im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
