i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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