Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
