if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i think i just lost a toe
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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