I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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