I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
