like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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