You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
