Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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