sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
