For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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