I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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