oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
