oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize