Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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