Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
