i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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