I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
