you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
