it hurts more in the daytime
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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