the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
