my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
