Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
