a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
