I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I die, sorry about rent.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
