I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Everything about him screamed your future.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
