Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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