Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bring money and cleavage
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
