covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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