He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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