How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Less talking, more tequila
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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