im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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