there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
