Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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