he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
