I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
