Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
