broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My balls are so social today.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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