would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
